nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
