I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
