i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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