Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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