I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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