I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I believe in your delicious
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
