I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
