Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
