just come out here and I will go home with you...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
