I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
