When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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