Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
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