Michael Bay diarrhea
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
