i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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