i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
