as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Randomize
