ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
