you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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