okay pat passed out under dana's car
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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