Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
