Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
