If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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