I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Randomize
