I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
