she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
