Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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