My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
