Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
