god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
