my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
