You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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