I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
