If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
