I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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