Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
