The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just invented taco cereal.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
