Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
