I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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