does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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