I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
God, I missed his penis.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
