So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
