well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
