If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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