Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
