she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
