Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
