Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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