I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
