Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
