Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
