Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
