Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
